I woke up at 530 this morning, after dreaming about someone whom was my brother's best friend. Think he is in one of my stories. I couldn't get back to sleep, because I was thinking of the gossip this guy said one time in the car. Then I remembered an incident, which happened many years ago, which still upsets me but can't do anything about it.
When I was 14 years old, I always hanged about this pub, in fact most girls did at my age and pretended to be older, but the pub owners, I think knew really we weren't, but they let us in for a game of pool and a coke. I suppose it was fun at that age thinking your were grown up and being in a public house. Even though I have never drank alcohol, we just usually just had a game of pool and met people.
I met this older guy, who bought a coke, and chatted away. All right guy, old enough to be my dad, but I knew him from driving the buses, name of McAlpine. I used to get free runs up the hill, and there were sometimes he would try and get off with me, but I never did. Maybe have kissed him, and also think he tried a quick feel. At that age I was terrified. I always believe when I was young, don't laugh, if you kissed a guy you got pregnant, I suppose ignorance is bliss sometimes.
I just turned 16 years old at this time. I walked up the hill one afternoon, and McAlpine asked if I wanted I lift. Brilliant, any chance of not walking up this hill, I took it. He dropped me off outside my house, and all of a sudden, my dad came out shouting, and he mentioned something to him about affairs with young people. I looked at my dad, and hadn't a clue what he was on about. I told my dad, he offered me a lift up the road that's all.
After all that, as far as I was aware all was forgotten, until the next week.
My brother came in my bedroom. I don't know whether he was on drugs or drink. He started punching me, laying into me and the beds went all over the place. He was mentioning something about married men, something about money, getting paid or something to those words. I could not remember because my face was getting punched that often I couldn't quite hear properly. My face was in a mess, there was blood all over, then an hour later, and my mother came in and said,
?Right, thanks, that's enough now?.
I ran down to my friends Christina's house, in a state. I was upset, I never knew what it was all about, and I never did. This was in the year 1987. All forgotten, I just thought it was something to do with him being on drugs or drink and he hasn't a clue what he was saying. I just guessed he was just drunk and that was it.
Christina and myself always talked about this incident, and neither knew what it was all about. About 4 months later, I met a nice boyfriend called Kenny.
He was a virgin and so was I, and we both lasted for 2 and half years, and we both lost virginity to each other. I will never regret it. He was the right person for me then.
Think he was the first bloke I sexually explored with.
I decided later on in life to move to Glasgow, more work there, and there was nothing really for me in Fort William.
My relationship with Kenny died, mainly due to the hassle from his mother. He wasn't the right person, I needed someone with a backbone and he didn't have one, though I loved him. I needed to leave, and mainly due to all the abuse at home, so I felt it was the right decision.
I moved to Glasgow in 1990 then I moved back to Fort William at the end of 1999. My brother died in January 1991, in a car accident. I never knew my brother well enough as he was I think roughly 10 years older than me. I never went out in a pub with him, his crowd was very much same crowd as my sisters.
When I returned, a year later I started voluntary work. I knew this guy whom worked for shopmobility as well. Nice guy, upfront, open and honest, I liked him very much. Mr Lawrence sound as a pound, and happily married.
One day he came out and said to me,
?Did you know many years ago, McAlpine was telling everyone you were doing sexual favours for 50 pence?.
?What?? I screeched
?He said he got sex from you and he only needed to offer 40 pence, 50 pence for it?.
?You got to be kidding, aren't you??
?Nope, he went around all the pubs and said it started when you were 14 years old?, he replied ?don't worry none of us believed him, because he was full of shit?.
Then he said,
'this went around for years, think until he started shagging Suzanne?.
I said to him,
?Yeah, MacAlpine always tried to get sexual favours but never did. He 40 years older then me, I never even touched a guys dick until I was 16 ½ years old. I got free bus lift from him, and I admit he tried, but I was not interested at all?.
Then we got into conversation about him and family.
Then all of a sudden it all came to me, it's just hit me and I nearly started crying in front of him. That's what my brother was going on about. I couldn't believe it and I stood there in shock. My own brother believing what this guy was saying.
'that's what it was all about?,
I got home and I thought to myself,
?Oh! My god? I started crying.
I still cry about it just now, and think a lot about it.
My brother is dead now, so how can I go up and punch his f**** lights out. I feel that angry about it I would love to shove his head down the toilet where he's pissed in.
I knew nothing about this in all the 15 years, totally oblivious.
I haven't now got a chance to give my brother right good words to.
?How dare he, believe this prick?.
I mean why not talk to my sister Sheila, she knew I was still a virgin at this point.
I remembered my sister Sheila came up and asked me when I was 15 years old,
?Have you ever touched a guys dick??
I replied honestly,
?Once and it was disgusting, it felt like jelly?,
My sister bursts out laughing and walked off, me being naïve at this time, I couldn't understand what was funny.
I mean why didn't he ask Sheila, before jumping in headfirst.
Why not ask me, no, guess that thought never crossed his mind.
I asked his daughter, which is older than me, if she knew he was saying this. His daughter, which is not quite the full shilling either, said she knew and believed all.
I said to her,
?Well then if you are saying it's true, let's get your dad done for paedophile?.
She said nothing, then this other girl came in and asked what it was all about, I explained the rumour her dad went around saying and her comment was,
?It happened 15 years ago?. I don't think people know the damage a rumour can do, when the wrong person hears it, especially when it's all bullshit.
Especially when your brother is dead now, without known the full truth.
What shocks me is everyone knew this guy was having countless affairs behind wife's back, well before I knew him. Everyone knew about this girl Suzanne, and we all watched him bullshitting to his wife. Even Mr Lawrence didn't believe him cause he was so much full of shit, but my brother did, how does that make you feel, not to good, eh!
Mr Macalpine moved away from Fort William before I returned. But one day I saw him with his girlfriend, think this was about 5 years ago.
I confronted him, all he said was,
'that was years ago?.
I felt like smacking him, I got into a right argument, but it was inside the council office, and I was asked to take the argument outside.
What is more shocking, his daughter is going out with a boy who I had a sort of relationship with when I was 15 years old. He knows I was a virgin then, and he also knows I never went near a guys dick, unless he is another prick going around bullshitting to boost his ego.
A lot of times I think about this. I can't put it right, because my brother is dead. I can't give him facts because he is dead, all because this sick bastard went around boosting his ego with lies.
I can't shout and bawl at him. He has died, I don't know if he knew the truth after. I don't know if my Sister put the story correct.
He's dead, and 15 years later I find out what it was all about, and there is nothing I can do about it and nothing I can put straight now.
What can I do? Do I be annoyed or upset with my brother?
It's really not much good when he is dead, is it?
How can I be annoyed with him when he's dead, he's not going to know.
Did he know that I never knew about these rumours?
I can't give him the facts. I can't even go up and look at him in disgust for believing it all. Why not ask me first for facts?
Is he in his grave with the knowledge still that these rumours were true? I can't put it straight. It's like a story with no end. A writer who has written the wrong facts and died after, and nothing can be done or changed.
I don't know why I get upset, maybe it's hurtful he believed this. I end up crying because I can't say anything to him. All I can do is just NOT forgive!!!
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