There are many reasons why I have stopped for a couple of months. This is not a happy story!!!!
I handled my sister’s funeral fine and I have been okay this year. But somehow, every time I start to drive to a job and music is on, happy or sad, I will start crying all the way there and I can’t stop, unless I turn music off, and arrived at destination.
But to be honest, I was warned about this, or someone was trying to tell me, and I feel responsible I did not read the signs properly.
I have all the time as I have known, remembered all my dreams, even if I dream more than one at same time.
The start of the year 2007, my bed was taken away and being welded, so I slept in a different place and different angle in bedroom. I kept getting nightmares, I always do the first dream, but somehow when bed was changed it was every time I feel asleep.
This was one of the dreams;
‘I was walking on a hill with my dogs, and I noticed some people either stealing sheep or harming, not sure, so I was taking them to the farmer. But on the way there I turned around and saw Moss lying on the ground. I ran up to him and knelt down, and asked what was wrong, Moss actually spoke to me and said
“It’s time for me to die”, I said to him,
“but your only 8”, and I was upset I paid attention to these people instead of Moss, I could have done something to stop it”, then I woke up.
I was upset. I took Moss to vets on every slight injury, and the nightmares kept going, until I got bed back. I told a friend about this dream and mentioned nightmares, she suggested going to a herbalist. This was start if 2007. Sheila came up to my house a few times, either for lift, or stuck for money. I remember in 2007, I said to her, I don’t mind her drinking as long as she promises not to take drugs. I remembered her comment,
“I got enough problem with drink, don’t need drugs, not enough money anyway”, She did admit that she had tried speed many years ago, and did take cannabis, which I knew about Cannabis but doesn’t now, because all the money was spent on drink.
“Fine, as long as you promise me you won’t”, and Sheila did promise me she wouldn’t.
The other incident was when she had her boyfriend. I was in her house talking about funerals, strange, I know. She said to me, that she found funerals morbid and depressing, she wanted everyone to wear bright colours, be happy and get pissed. (Her exact words to me) Strange! But of course my parents didn’t they were to bothered of their image, even changed a word in my poem to save image, Image is everything, EH!!!
Then Sheila died at guess what age, 38, year 2008. I am so upset, because did I not have a sign in the dream that someone was going to die. Even the number 8 was given to me.
How many more signs in that year 2007, could I have had?
I have started crying again, back in a minute., off to make a tea!!!!
A couple of days later after her death I had another strange dream. It was in the morning when I sort of nodded off, half asleep half awake. I dreamt of getting out of my bed and standing in front of the window and was looking up at the sky. The blue that was there cannot be copied here, as the colour was a completely different blue. Then this shape was drawn on the sky, I have been trying to describe this shape. It was the brightest coloured dots drawn in the sky, I originally thought it was a circle that crossed at the bottom, but I walked away before I saw it cross. It looked the shape of the top part of the letter S, if it did not cross, if so it would have been a circle with a cross. I walked to my front door after watching this drawing, I opened the door and this warm breeze hit me. I looked up the sky South East think, (can’t find compass), this amazing eclipse was happening. The sun was above and this full black planet was moving away from sun, it was beautiful, and you could not on this planet get these colours. The world’s atmosphere was completely different, then I woke up.
Half way through 2008, when I was walking up the hill, middle of the night, I spoke to Sheila and asked her to give me a sign that she is still about somewhere. I actually, you may think it’s daft, give me a sign, something as a shooting star. So I stood there on top of this hill and nothing happened. Oh well! Suit yourself then! I walked back home.
At the end of that year 2008 came, just after Christmas, I had a walk round the back. Think it was 27/28th December, not sure. I walked along the way, this warm breeze hit me, you actually I think can get this even when it’s cold, but I am not a scientist, so I don’t know. I started thinking of my sister, and whilst walking down, I got upset. I actually looked up at the direction South East, it’s where 3 stars and in a row together. I started having a shout at her, because she promise me she would not touch drugs. I said to her, you promised me that, I ended up in tears shouting at her but I was pissed off with her for taking them, and then all of a sudden this bright shooting start went so fast and shot right into the 3 stars. I said,
“Not much good talking to me now, is it”, so I walked off in a huff and in tears.
You can all say, “believe what you like if it makes you feel better”.
No offence to anyone, how the F**** in hell can it make me feel any better, she is still F**** dead. It doesn’t make me feel any better having the thought that I was warned and didn’t know, I should have know. No it doesn’t make me feel any better, I feel worse.
I just wish I would stop crying about it, don’t know why. I decided not to listen to music as I end up in tears, happy or sad music. Both have same effect, especially when I am alone driving.
Last year a Girl I know gave this card about some spiritualist she goes to. I have not mentioned all of these dreams to anyone. She gave me it because I went to one of them few times just to see, think if was more than a year ago. So I thought of giving him a phone.
I was on the phone to him, asking how much and whilst being on the phone he said to me,
“I see the colour pink”, I had a laugh because I had just got my bedroom painted a month ago, Pink, I was laughing at that.
So he came up, now remember I said nothing to him at all, and when he walked in, he kept saying to me, this,
“I keep hearing the word dreams”,
Then he said it again sitting down,
“Dreams, I am getting dreams”,
I said nothing until the end,
Then he said to me,
“Your dream was making you prepare for death not to stop it”.
But deep in my heart, I still feel it’s partly my fault for not seeing or reading the signs properly.
Thankfully in this century we have stopped burning witches, I would be well gone.
Another thought, what is the point of getting close to someone when you know they are going to die in the end? Nothing lasts forever. You can all say it’s the memories, but the memories can also give sadness they’re gone, what is the point of having memories when all memories are vanished when we die.
Realising my two dogs, I love them more than anything, but I know high percentage that they will die before me. So this is where I would be happy to have taken my sister’s place, but then my dogs are left. So this is my selfish side, where I would be happy to have taken her place with my dogs. Then there will be no more sadness. We can all have our own personnel beliefs in after death, but nobody has 100% proof they are correct.
Before anyone panics, I am not suicidal. (So no sending white vans). It’s just what’s the point of having something when you know it will not last forever and end up in sadness.
I am not morbid or anything, just a thought. Maybe I am more upset this year, because she has been in the papers a lot lately, and worse still, Sheila was drunk when the guy injected her with heroin, and he got 4 years. For Robbery you get 15, says a lot doesn’t it. Makes me wonder if the judges are more demented than the criminals.
GOOD NIGHT, SWEET DREAMS, XXX
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