Doesn't life make you feel a bit queasy at times? Why bother to be yourself, why bother to be honest. When obviously most men take it the wrong way, I suppose nothing new there then. Standing at the queue, long bloody queue as usual, thought I would have a chat with the person behind, it usually softens the built up tension off frustration standing in a queue. So, Chatting away, as I can talk for Scotland, I mean the guy wasn't all that catchy to me, so talking about weather, queues, where he from then, all of a sudden, he says,  ?My wife is waiting outside for me?. Now I am standing there wondering, did he say this in concerning of her waiting outside for him, or was that directed at me. So I reply, "she might be waiting a long time", and I smiled, and shook head. Next queue, month down the line, had a chat with someone behind. Now he is with his mother, so thought "That's alright, have chat with mother". So talking away as I do, then the guy came out and said "Wife is about store somewhere", "Oh, Brilliant, Fantastic, yeeha! Wow!!! Whoopi", Thinking to myself "Just smile, say nothing, poor wife, you can see who he loves". I mean the guy wasn't that much of a catch and the answer would be 'Forget it'. I am just hoping and praying that it's a female standing behind me next time. I mean at what point of "Weather" "Oh you from Glasgow, I used to stay there" "What I thought personally of Glasgow". "You on holiday", "Visiting Friends", "What do you think of Fort William?". I mean at what point in these questions, conversation, would it give a guy the idea that I was chatting him up? Especially when I say at the start to him, "If we start talking it does make the queue go down quicker". I have to tell you the worse so far, and this is sad, and when I say really sad, I mean really twisted sad.  Right, I knew this guy from childhood. His mum lived along the road from me, and he was my brothers? best friend. I knew him and other of his friends from 0yrs to 12 years. My brother died in 1992, I did not know him well, as he was a lot older than me. My sisters were closer until later on in life, as one of my sisters had a disagreement and never made up with him, which was a shame. I don't know the whole story, but I didn't know my brother well at all. I was a lot younger, in fact, I can't remember if we got along or not. Reason why I am talking about this tonight, I was visiting my sister, and she mentioned this guy's daughter was with her daughter, and I told her of the incident. In fact another one of my brothers? friends was in my sisters house, he is funny, a nice guy. I lived in Glasgow for 10 years, and when I returned I bumped into someone who knew my brother. We were talking about things in life, years ago, my brother, place where we stayed, and she mentioned this guys name, now I remember him, I thought when I was young he was a nice guy. When I mean nice, I mean nice as brother, not bed buddy. But all has forgotten, you can't think a guy is nice unless you want to shag him. So this girl said to pop over and say, hello. She arranged for me to go over, and I went to see him. Last time I saw him, think I was 14 years old or maybe younger. So Knock, Knock, and he opened door, and I went in to see him. It was nice to see someone from many years ago, he hadn't changed at all. But all remember this line I obviously forgot I was now in my 20's. Whoops! Silly mistake, Eh!? So I was talking as I usually do, open, honest, chatty as I am. Told him about my time in Glasgow, jobs I done, funny side of Glasgow, time I was stopped and asked if I was a hooker. I still find funny, especially when I had jeans on. The time some guy stopped and asked, "Are you in business?", beats me how he could think that when I had a dog in my company, maybe my dog was my pimp. I know Moss would make a good one, Woof! Woof! Gnarl! So chatting away, I mean, I more looked at him as a brotherly sort, as I have known he has known me since a child. But I suppose as I say again, 'I am in my 20's now!!!' So left, and said nice to meet you, etc. I went to see him another time, and he shut door on me. So I told this girl who arranged it, you are not going to believe what she told me. "He thinks you fancy him". F**** sake, what a head banger,  "AAHHH!!! Ugh!!! Yuk!!! Sorry, it's just a no, no, you sort of see him as a brother sort of person, if you have known someone since you were 1 year old, you sort of don't look at him that way, YUK!!!" I think I am going to be sick. I mean at which point gave this dork, this idea, maybe it was the conversation about, 'Glasgow', No, can't see it. Ah! He might have thought I was asking him to come to a quiet hotel in Glasgow, or something of that sort, Nope, can't remember asking him that, 'Hooker part', definitely not if I fancied him. Eh, maybe he thought I was hinting, if you pay me enough money big boy', 'Jobs', No, to boring. Could be, you know, maybe he thought I might Blow Job.  No, think I mentioned accounts, but as I say, in accounts you do get an interest and double entries here. Or maybe it might have been, Ex boyfriends?, if I fancied a guy, it would be the last item of conversation. Wait a minute, maybe I said, "I vont you to be my lover, fly boy," YUK!!! No, I know 100% fact I never said that. But me mentioning ex boyfriends, might have been a dating code, I know nothing about. Listen, viewers, I am just learning how locals do it. I mean there is a few, I never knew existed, until going to our nightclub. (STORY ON NIGHTCLUBS ADVERT FOR SHAMPOO)
How about the shampoo advert,  No, I never advertised for Head and Shoulders. No, I suddenly didn't get a breast implant. No, my skirt suddenly didn't shrink. No, I did not have anything wrong with my eyelashes. No, I didn't put on any upper class accent. But one must remember "I am in my 20's, you have to now be careful what you say to people who has known you all your life, watch you don't give them the wrong idea".  I mean I believe when a female, speaks all shy, watches what she says, be all false and fake, I thought that would give a guy an idea she was interested. Not being honest, upfront, chatty, daft and open. Bloody heck! You would soon know if I fancy you, I would probably say, "I want to shag you", or "Can I bonk your brains".  No, wait a minute, if I really think you are gorgeous, believe it or not, I shut up, is that possible, you ask, Yes, it is possible!!! There have been moments, but not many! Because I usually just end up rambling a load of crap, more than usual. I hear you all ask, is that possible, "Yes, my friends, it is, I know you may find this hard to understand but I can". Make matters worse, the guy who done my pole for me has retired, and the company who bought it over, guess where he works.He better watch out, I might have put the pole there to get fixed on purpose, because I fancy him. I need the metal pole and cups done on the machine which this company has. When he stands on the other side of the desk, you can't help but think, what a sad, pathetic dork you are. Passed him in supermarket, got a very pretty young girl, and she smiled at me, and I smiled back. You should have seen how he looked at her. F****** sad or what! I mean this guy is think 10 years older, obviously hasn't matured properly. Please don't flatter yourself. But just smile and be as polite as possible, even though you are picturing the baseball bat over his head. You know, what I might do next time I am in. This is so tempting. When he is standing on the other side of the desk, start winking, giving kisses, and licking lips, given a sultry look and saying, "Oh! My you sexy beast you". Yuk!! Think me going to be ill!!! To make matters even more worse, my friend and I was leaving the nightclub, and I like his mate, because I lodged with his mother at one time. So friend and I thought, we will offer a lift. So all jumped in for lift and you are not going to believe what he said, "I heard you had a kid and got rid of it", something to those words. My friend and I looked shocked, "Eh"! "Excuse me"!  This friend has known me since I was 15 years old. So she should know. "Bloody hell, it must have happened that quick I missed the occasion". I have enough problems getting eyebrows waxed, you should hear me screaming. Just somehow, pregnancy doesn't suit me, don't like pain. Oh, take that back, I don't mind a bit of sexual bondage pain, but pregnant, No, definitely not. We were in fits after they got out the car. Just recently told my sister this, maybe you gave birth when blinked. We all think funny, firstly, I have been accused of being a hooker since being back in Fort William, and now I have given birth. Bloody hell, what a busy life. Wonder what is going to be next!!! 'Knocked husband off, burnt him with acid and buried him in back garden', at least this could be possible for future reference, looking at track records of my love life, which I don't have one, but for do remember this if Mr Nobody suddenly disappears. I mean I can understand if this was a single guy, good looking, and rich. No, wait a minute, take that back, I don't go for looks. But think he was married or separated not sure, with an already made family. Children weren't grown up, get my point. So there is a definite no, no, no, especially when his second name might be Mr Von Trap, far too much baggage. But you know with my business, I could be desperate. Nah, I think Moss would have a say, there is only room for one man in my life, and that is Moss. Woof! Woof! I had one guy on my bed talking to me, been friends for years, both dressed, so stop before any gossip starts. We were on bed talking, then Moss's head looked over, he jumped up, sat behind for a minute, then crawled in the middle and looked straight at him as if to say, "What do you think you are doing?" I can really understand why people are not friendly now days, because it always gives others the wrong bloody idea. Maybe next time I am in a queue, I should say, "Oy!! Yu! I'm gonna kick yer heid in, yu wun a fite". BUT DOESN'T IT BRIGHTEN UP YOUR DAY WHEN YOU HAVE A NICE SMILE AND A POLITE HELLO! OR EVEN A NICE POLITE CONVERSATION!  |